I don't feel like dickin' around for too long while I grind up my team to face Sabrina, so I think I'm gonna try to take her on now. I've done my homework, I got a Poke Flute, and I think I can out-strategize her. Here goes nothing...
Saffron City Gym: Sabrina, the...IS SHE HOLDING A FUCKING WHIP?!?
Look at the sprite. Fucking look at it!
Fucking wow. No wonder she gravitated towards Psychic-type Pokemon. This bitch has gotta be into some "50 Shades of Grey" shit. What's weak against Psychic? Fucking...I guess BDSM or getting a tuba shoved up your ass. I dunno, I haven't read the book...yet.
Also, just so you know, the fucking gym is just like Silph Co. It has all those fucking teleporters on the ground, so God help you if you don't know the way out and need to hit up the Pokemon Center for a quick heal. You can get fucked up in this gym. Remember that.
First up: Kadabra, Master of the Spoon
Okay...I've had a Kadabra for a while now, so I know that this fucker's gonna be tough. I'm gonna throw Scyther in as a bait-and-switch, then move over to Pidgeot.
Pidgeot is only one level lower than Kadabra, but that don't matter. He's got speed on his side and Kadabra missed his first attack. Let's try Fly. That's a pretty safe bet. I avoid a Psychic attack and one-shot this punk back to the silverware drawer. BOOM!
Second to bat: Mr. Mime, the Registerred Sex-Offender
First off, he's creepy as shit. Secondly, he looks human, so ANYONE can dress up like him and get unsuspecting kids to try to "catch" him. Thirdly, the only way to get him in the game is by trading for him, and his previous owner gives him a stupid fucking nickname that you can't change. I wanted Mr. Mime. You gave me Marcel. You robbed me, asshole.
Bait-and-switching Scyther again. If he only does defensive moves, I'll try to knock him out quick and get Scyther all that experience. If it starts to fail, I gotta switch out.
Level 26 Scyther versus level 37 Mr. Mime? This can't possibly end poorly.
QUICK ATTACK! For 1/8 of his total damage. Not bad, considering his two-hit Doubleslap only hit for 8 HP. Trying for a Skull Bash now; let's hope he don't kill me.
CONFUSION! SHIT! I'm down to 17 health and I'm committed to the attack! Please do something stupid, Marcel...
Like MISSING YOUR DOUBLESLAP! ALRIGHT! GO SKULL BASH!
...only took him down to half health. Great. Now I have to switch you out before you die. I feel like this battle must have looked a lot like this, so far:
Charizard, would you mind terribly taking over for Captain Safari Zone over here?
Takes 20 damage like a champ and puts Aqualung down for the count.
That's a very smart reference, by the way. Listen to the lyrics for Aqualung. Song's about a pedophile in a park checking out little girls. Creep shit.
Third foe: Venomoth...One of These Things is Not Like the Other
Bug/Poison-type. What are you doing with this? Did you steal it from Koga? Is that why his gym is such a Psychic-filled disgrace? YOU MONSTER!
Bait-and-switch Scyther, bring out Charizard. NO FUCKING MERCY!!!!!
Oh shit, the thing knows Psybeam. Alright, I take back my comments on your credibility, Sabrina. Shit is legit. You could have used a Butterfree as an alternative. Just saying.
Woah! Ember is super-effective, but only took him down to HALF?!? No one-shot?! Damn, I need Flamethrower.
Poisonpowder? POISONPOWDER?! Get that weak-ass shit outta my face. Charizard snorts the shit off Butterfree's wings when he ain't fighting, and all that does is trip him out a bit. You just getting him coked-up, Venomoth.
STILL can't take him out, Charizard?! The fuck, dude?! I had faith in you. Now he used Poisonpowder again and now you're OD'ing. You're a fucking junkie, bro. Slash kills the bug. Charizard goes into withdrawal.
...get it?! 'Cause I WITHDREW him from the fight!
...fuck you, I'm not here to impress you.
Final guy: Alaka-motherfucking-zam
I don't wanna send in Gengar, since this guy will run house on Gengar. I'll go bait-and-switch Goldeen, then I'm gonna take Pidgeot out. After all, Pidgeot fucks gyms up.
Psywave. Okay. Forgot what that does (or even that it existed), but the bird can still Fly.
AND a Psybeam?!? Fuck, you fast, Alakazam! Pidgeot ain't out yet, though!
Okay, Fly took out a little over half health. That's all I can really ask. Can we sneak one more in?
...okay. Serious-time. Whoever gave Recover to Alakazam is a shit-head. HE DOESN'T NEED IT! IT'S SO FUCKING LAME! WHY DON'T YOU FIGHT TO THE DEATH LIKE A REAL MAN?!?
TWICE? Stop it. Stop using Recover so that I can kill you with the follow-up Fly attack. I WILL bring junkie-ass Charizard in here to Slash you into next week if you do it again.
Or...you know, knock out Pidgeot with Psybeam. That's fine, too. Hey, Zidane! You're red card expired. Let's see what you can do with a Quick Attack.
STOP RECOVERING!!!!! That's fucking it. Charizard! Alakazam called you a punk-ass bitch!
...and apparently, you are, since you got hit with TWO Psybeams before you did a damned thing!
Okay...there's only one way to kill an Alakazam...
...and that's with an Alakazam.
AGAIN WITH THE RECOVERS?! Fuck you, dude.
FUCKING STOP IT!
SERIOUSLY!!!!!!
You are a dick-ass, Alakazam. Shit ain't right. Stop it. I'm trying to kill you.
Been like 5 Recovers in a row. Psybeam, Confusion, Psychic...all getting healed. He can't have much more PP for that move, can he?
Okay...10 in a row. You know what? I'm gonna make you waste that shit.
...this is getting fucking boring. I need to do damage and quickly. Scyther...come on. Don't fail me again.
Oh...NOW you use Psybeam?!?! FUCK YOU, ALAKAZAM!!!!
I may regret this, but...come on out, Gengar...
Yeah, I figured that would one-shot me. Shit. Goldeen?
Supersonic! Keep that fucker confused and maybe he'll knock himself out! Yes, you have fallen, Goldeen, but you served a purpose...
Alakazam...let the end here...
And he's confused no more. Fuck my butt. I'm actually gonna lose this one, I think.
Let me abbreviate what happened next. I got so frustrated that all I started using was Teleport, knowing it would fail, but also knowing that Sabrina's Alakazam would be wasting Recovers. Eventually, I'll just get down to struggling or thrashing about and that may cause actual damage.
This exact pattern went on for TWENTY GODDAMNED TURNS! 24 more turns and I run out of PP. How the fuck can he still use Recover?!?!
OH SHIT! PSYBEAM CONFUSED HIM AND NOW HE'S HURTING HIMSELF! KEEP THE PATTERN UP! CRITICAL HIT ON CONFUSION! LET HIM HURT HIMSELF ONE MORE TIME...FUCKING PLEASE!
NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Fucking Recover!
And....confused no more. Fuck this shit.
Okay...like 3 Confusion PP left and Alakazam is confused again. Please let this stick.
Hurt itself. Good. Down passed half health now.
HURT ITSELF AGAIN! BOOYAH! LESS THAN QUARTER HEALTH!!
Alakazam...use Confusion again!
FUCK! HE'S AT ONE HEALTH!
The fate of this match is decided upon whether or not the enemy Alakazam hurts himself in confusion.
...
...
...
SABRINA USED HYPER-POTION ON ALAKAZAM!?!?!?!??!?!?!?
She let me Struggle and recoil myself to death. The abject shame and humiliation of it all. Sabrina, as God as my witness, you will pay for what you have done here this day...
The team that would have stopped me playing, had this been a Nuzlocke Hard-Mode run:
Charizard, Lvl 41
Alakazam, Lvl 39
Pidgeot, Lvl 37
Gengar, Lvl 31
Scyther, Lvl 27
Goldeen, Lvl 26
Pokedex: 63, Badges: 5
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