First off, let's address Seafoam Islands. That shit is dumb as hell. Push the rocks in the hole. Push the rocks in the hole. Drop 'em in the water. Get FUCKING LOST ON THE LADDERS! You only put up with this shit because Articuno is chilling out in there...
...Articuno is chilling out in there.
Seriously, feel free to stop this fucking music at any time. It goes on for what seems to be eons. Anyway, Articuno...lemme give you a breakdown of how that shit went, according to my perspective:
ARTICUNO: You have journeyed far, traveller...but your foolish quest to capture me will end in sorrow and bloodshed--Za...Zapdos?
ZAPDOS: Don't fuck with this guy, bro. He's legit.
ARTICUNO: What the fuck happened to you?!
ZAPDOS: Get in the Ultra-Ball.
ARTICUNO: Fuck you, I'm not getting in--
ZAPDOS: {{Thunder}} GET IN THE FUCKING ULTRA-BALL!!!!!
ARTICUNO: Oh Christ, my body! Ahhh! Oww! Why the fuck would you--
ZAPDOS: {{Thunder Wave}} GET IN THE FUCKING ULTRA-BALL!!!!!
ARTICUNO: JESUS! FUCKING ALRIGHT! GODDAMN IT!
Moltres...watch your fucking shit. I gotta catch 'em all. THERE'S A FUCKING JINGLE! IT COMMANDS ME! Also, this guy:
Caught him at level 30 in Seafoam. I didn't even know he appeared in Red! Shit! He's a pretty cool dude, and he knows Recover...which, from what I hear, is fairly effective, but it only has 20 PP. Also, lemme show you what it says on Bulbapedia.com, my number one source for Poke-knowledge:
"Recover restores up to 50% of the user's maximum HP, and it has 20 PP"
...alright.
What the FUCK was going on in Saffron Gym then?!?!?!
Well, I took that Staryu, leveled him a bit, and then decided to throw a rock at him.
Alright, rock and roll! Increase that Special stat, motherfucker! Booyah!
While we're at it, we are going to Cinnabar Island, and if I recall, the Gym is locked until you get that key from the burned-down house, and there ain't nothin' in there but Fire-types...let's have ourselves a Water-type leveling party!
Doesn't that feel better than being a level 35 Tentacool? All your friends and family evolved at level 30. What the fuck were you waiting for, Peter Pan? Also, the time has come.
FUCK YEAH!
And he is just as much of a beast as I thought he would be. Waterfall and Surf? Shut your fucking mouth! Don't bring your weak-ass shit by me! I SURF DOWN WATERFALLS!
OH! THE FOSSILS! I CAN GET RID OF THAT SHIT NOW!
I used to love this motherfucker. He was my Fly Pokemon for the longest time, and the tail of my Elite Four burn team, which included Charizard, Blastoise, Venusaur, Mew, and Mewtwo, all at level 100 with as many type-attacks as possible. But that was at a time when the Rare Candy/Missingno. cheat was acceptable. No longer. I don't do glitch cheats. I'm a grown-ass man playing Pokemon, and I'm gonna earn my stripes! Also...
Level him! Level him right now! He's Water/Rock! He will RAPE Blaine on type-advantage! Get in that burned-ass house!
Found a fourth Moon Stone in there, too, so I guess there's no point in waiting any longer.
I expect great things from you, now that I taught you Metronome.
Had a lot of TM's, so I had to teach a bunch of people shit. Gengar now knows Dream Eater over Confuse Ray, and Wigglytuff...
...okay, I thought to myself, "What can I do to make a level 5 Wigglytuff that only knows Sing useful?"
Gave him Counter and Seismic Toss. Debated giving him Solar Beam, too, because if I brought him into a battle, my opponent would be like, "What the FUCK did you do to that Wigglytuff?!?!? WHY DOES IT KNOW THOSE THINGS! This is forbidden knowledge to the Wigglytuff..."
Alright.
Real-talk.
I'm gonna explain why the burned house sucks more ass than an ass-sucking machine programmed to suck more asses than there are asses in the known universe of asses.
First off, did you waste your time trying to catch a Growlithe early on? Was it like level 14 when you got it? Fuck you! This house has them at level 34.
Pro-Tip: Catch your Growlithes here.
Secondly, fucking puzzles. Hit the switch, go up the stairs, hit the switch, go up the stairs, hit the switch, fall the fuck down the wrong hole, fucking REPEAT STUPID!
Thirdly, the Pokemon. FUCK THE POKEMON IN THIS HOUSE! Except Ponyta.
She's so PRETTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Had to get one.
No, the Pokemon I'm talking about are the Poison-types that outnumber the Fire-types in the HOUSE OF FIRE...
...except in Blue version, where you can get a Magmar there. Magmar's pretty cool.
But no, the Koffings and the Grimers. Fuck them. Why? They waste your Ultra-Balls. How? Lemme show you what happened to me:
Oooh, a Koffing! I'm gonna catch it! Ultra-Ball, go! Yeah, caught a Koffing--!
WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM?!?! You son of a bitch! Why didn't you show up first?!?! Ugh...throw the Ultra-Ball.
Oooh, a Grimer! I wanna catch one of those...wait a minute. I know the second I catch one, a Muk is going to appear. Muks don't appear in the wild, do they? I don't remember. Shit. Lemme wander around a bit, maybe I'll find a Muk.
Hmmm...doesn't look like there are any Muks. Okay, Grimer, get in the Ultra-Ball. Yay, caught him--!
YOU SACK OF SHIT WHORE! YOU KNEW I WAS WAITING FOR YOU, BUT YOU WANTED ME TO WASTE MY ULTRA-BALLS! I ONLY HAVE THREE! I NEED THEM FOR VICTORY ROAD, YOU FUCKING SMEG! YOU CAN GO CLIMB A WALL OF DICKS, YOU GRAPE PUDDING-LOOKING FUCK!
I will devote much time towards the destruction of all Pokemon in this burned house, because someone just learned Slash, and he's eager to use it...
Prehistoric Scyther's here, and he's ready to violate your dreams.
I am taking no chances after that episode with Sabrina. Blaine is getting an ass-whooping, Cerulean City-style, and ain't nobody on that team gonna be under-leveled. So get ready to hand over that Volcanobadge...'cause you're gonna be all washed up when I'm done with you.
Seriously, you can stop the music anytime you want.
Charizard, Lvl 45
Tentacruel, Lvl 43
Kabutops, Lvl 42
Vaporeon, Lvl 42
Seaking, Lvl 42
Starmie, Lvl 41
Pokedex: 89, Badges: 6
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