This was seriously frustrating as shit because every fucking Pokemon in the Unknown Dungeon I came across...I had to catch. Had to. No discussion. They were all evolutions of Pokemon I already owned and I wanted some fucking validation for keeping them in the computer for so long.
My Ekans was level 6. He was level 47. I'm sorry, but fuck that baby-ass snake. We're in the final hours and I want some rewards for my exploits.
Well, fuck the damn Safari Zone. Why the hell would you bother catching a Rhyhorn when Rhydons are right in Cerulean City? Just beat the Elite Four and you can help yourself to as many as you want.
OH! OH! OH, YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! Don't even fucking BOTHER with the Safari Zone! If you want a Pinsir, a Scyther, a Tauros, or a Kangaskhan, use it. Otherwise, fucking wait until Unknown Dungeon. Speaking of Kangaskhan though...
First one I found in the Safari Zone during my "wrap-up". I was like THROW THE BALL! Didn't work, but it didn't run. So, I was like...fucking THROW THE BALL AGAIN! Boom! Two Pokemon in one.
Okay...real talk.
What the fuck happens to a Kangaskhan during the course of its life?
Follow me on this one.
Firstly, they have their babies in their pouches. That is a defining feature of the breed, meaning they must give birth to little baby Kangaskhans to hop into their pouch later on, yes? This is a marsupial characteristic.
Well, all Pokemon breed and produce eggs, so there goes that theory...but this is where things get seriously fucked.
When you hatch a Kangaskhan egg, this is what happens:
Okay...WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Alright...now let's assume that the baby is just going to grow up and age naturally. Does it have a much longer lifespan than its mother? Because the mother and the baby ARE THE SAME FUCKING AGE! They hatched at the EXACT SAME TIME! So you have some Kangaskhan that live for, say, 40 years, and some the live for 80? What the fuck is happening?
Continuing on that theory...
The baby grows up and starts looking like the mother. Where is it going to get its own baby? Kangaskhan are pretty much solely defined as the "parent Pokemon" in all forms of the Pokedex, so where is it going to get its baby?
Option one: find a male Kangaskhan and breed with it.
NOPE! Kangaskhan are 100% female. What the hell is gonna happen now? What is it gonna do, fuck Yanma?
NOBODY wants to fuck a Yanma! Yanma don't even want to fuck Yanma!
Option 2: Find some other random-ass Pokemon, fuck it, and get pregnant.
NOPE! Because Pokemon breed to produce eggs, and Kangaskhan are fucking BORN WITH THE BABY IN THE POUCH!
I can't...I can't do this. My brain is too full of fuck. Give me just one second...gotta write an open letter to Satoshi Tajiri.
Dear Satoshi Tajiri,
Your imagination has astounded the world and has brought countless joy to millions of children and I would like to personally thank you for creating the Pokemon franchise. I have started a blog in which I intend to go through one game from each generation of the franchise and chronicle my experiences. I eagerly await what is in store for me beyond Generation-II, as that was the most recent generation I had played since my childhood, and I cannot possibly fathom what treats you might have planned for the sixth generation. From experience, I can safely predict that the next 100 or so Pokemon will be entertaining and interesting; perhaps the first-ever Electric/Poison-type could emerge, or we might see Flying, Steel, Ghost, Poison, or even Dragon-type evolutions for Eevee. Can't wait!
However, you need to seriously get your shit together about Kangaskhan. How can one of the original 151 completely avoid getting scrutinized and picked apart for its blatant flaws in both biology and logic over four fucking generations. You could have fixed this shit in Johto, or Hoenn, or Sinnoh...but no. We're all in Unova now, and Kangaskhan is still a clusterfuck. Simple way to fix all this: make the baby its own Pokemon. Call it Kanga or something and you can arrange the evolution based on what's in the party. If there's an active Kangaskhan in the party, Kanga will level up and evolve into a Kangaskhan. If there's not a Kangaskhan in the party, the thing doesn't evolve. If there's a Kangaskhan in the party with Kanga but the Kangaskhan fainted, the Kanga evolves into Cubone and you lose your Kangaskhan. It will make the game darker and you can fix this fucking debacle.
Seriously, fucking fix this.
Sincerely,
Kevin Little
Now, where the fuck was I before Satoshi Tajiri broke my fucking brain?
I caught a Hypno. I don't want to go into where he finds that fucking medallion or where Kadabra finds his spoon, because Pokemon that evolve and gain props is a Pandora's box that I dare not gaze into...
Nope. Not gonna touch it. Not with a 10-foot pole. Nope. Go away.
Okay, back to sanity. Caught this guy because he's damn cool. Also, not gonna lie...probably the most delicious Pokemon from Generation-I based solely on appearance. Fuck you, I know you all thought about eating Pokemon, too. There are steaks in that world, and I only see Tauros and Miltanks. So shut up, judgin'-ass bastards.
Was actually a little upset about this one. My Horsea was at level 28. I caught this guy at level 25. Horsea evolves at level 32. What is in that fucking water? My brain hurts again...
...dumbass.
Also found one of these bad boys. Can we just take a look at this photo for a moment? Two of the heads of Dodrio are clearly ready and engaged for battle, but that one on the right is like, "What the fuck is that over there? The fuck is that shit?" Fucking multi-headed Pokemon. I'm going to see a shit-ton more of those, so I'm fairly prepared to have my head hurt in future games.
But after all this, I experience the ultimate pay-off for Generation-I players...
You have been saving that Master Ball since Saffron City, and you only throw it when you ABSOLUTELY MUST CATCH THAT MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU RIGHT NOW! I forgot how fucking powerful this jerk-off was! Holy shit! His stats are all damn close to 200. I'd like to see Ass-Bag try shit when I throw out a Mewtwo onto the battlefield. He's so fucking badass HE GOT HIS OWN MOVIE AND BOSS BATTLE IN POKEMON STADIUM!
I now...he obeys my every word.
Mewtwo, Lvl 70
Articuno, Lvl 52
Charizard, Lvl 50
Vaporeon, Lvl 50
Parasect, Lvl 39
Cubone, Lvl 23
Pokedex: 102, Badges: 8
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