Dickin' Around On A Bike

Lemme just say that there is no way to get to Fuschia City for the first time and NOT fight like a hundred trainers.  They either all have Flying-types, Poison-types, or Fighting-types, which means Dugtrio, Kadabra, and Pidgeotto are gonna get a lot of experience.  But you know what? Fucking Dugtrio had himself all the shits and giggles in the world when he raped Lieutenant Surge.  You know who I haven't used in a while?

This little thug right here needs to stretch his shit out and hurt something.  You see the anger in them eyes? Do you see it? Look deeper...

There's the anger! Now, when Professor Oak starts up the game and is all like, "This world is inhabited by creatures called Pokemon" and shows a Nidorino, I could be like, "I fucking KNOW that guy!"

Now, I've got two Moon Stones.  One I'm saving for Clefairy once he proves himself, and the other I saved for when this guy appeared in my roster.  But, it was brought to my attention that stone-evolving Pokemon causes some of them to stop learning moves.  Well, Raichu is okay with Thunderbolt, Quick Attack, Flash, and Thunderwave, so I don't regret that at all.  Also, Vileplume has Absorb, Mega-Drain, Poisonpowder, and Cut, so he's doing just fine as is; he's meant to outlast, not one-shot.

This fucker, however, had a shitty set of moves.  About ten levels later and a few TMs, I think I'm okay with him staying with Take-Down, Horn Attack, Horn Drill, and Poison-Sting...at least until sexier TM's come my way.  For now, though...

...fuck whatever god you pray to; this is your new god.  It's got "king" in the name! Fuck those pretenders like Kingler, Kingdra, Seaking--

Wait, I take that last one back.  Nobody fucks with Seaking.

Gotta start out with the lesser, though, but thank goodness I lied to that asshole in the cottage and got me a Super Rod! Now I can fish my way to awesome!

Soon, my dear...soon, you shall rape the galaxy.

Oh, in case you're wondering about the Snorlax...

Fuck Snorlax.

Lemme run down my two encounters with Snorlax.  That's right; there's two Snorlaxes...Snor...Snorlaxen? Snorlaxi? Snor--

Fuck Snorlax.

First fight, I wanna catch him.  I do everything fucking right.  Get him down literally to one health.  ONE.  Paralyze him.  Throw Great Ball.  Snorlax says, "Fuck Great Balls.  You need an Ultra Ball, pussy."  Can't get an Ultra Ball yet because they sell them in Fuschia City.

Sneaky developer cunts.  They say, "Oh, don't worry...there's more than one Snorlax.  It's just that you need to kill one Snorlax to get the ball to catch the other Snorlax."

And...I fucking hate back-tracking.  The only thing worse is looping, and you have to pretty much loop to get yourself a Snorlax.  Beat Snorlax #1, head down to Fuschia City and fight everyone you happen to blink at, buy an Ultra Ball, fly (if you aren't a fucking idiot) Celadon or Vermillion (depending on which Snorlax you didn't sacrifice to the gods of Japanese capitalism), then fight and catch the other one...

...THEN you can enjoy Fuschia City.

So here's the second encounter with Snorlax:

Carefully try NOT to kill him.  Get him down close to one health as possible.  Throw Ultra Ball.  NOPE! Dude decides to use Rest.  Full health.  I work him back down.  Get him even lower on health. Try to paralyze or put him to sleep to make things easier, but I forgot my Butterfree in the computer.  Throw Ultra Ball.  Fucking NOPE! He uses Rest again.  Full health.

Then I think, "Well...he's asleep now.  Should I throw one NOW?"

Not even a wiggle.  Fucking caught.  Zero struggle.

Could I have done this with the other Snorlax? Could I have had two, even with just the Great Balls? These are the questions that burn me.  Not that I could have practically used two Snorl...two of them, but it would have been nice trade-fodder in case I run into some asshole who still has a transfer cable.

Remember that shit? To trade or fight a friend, you needed to be fucking ATTACHED to the person, and so help you God if the cable unplugged.  It would have ended the universe.

Also, you know what I fucking wanted to catch for no really good reason?

Venonat always struck me a the sort of creepy little fucker that might watch you sleep from a dark corner, softly buzzing at it moves up and down from breathing.  Then you walk over to it, wave your hand in front of it to try to see if it's sleeping (because fuck you bugs don't have eyelids), then you come to the conclusion that it actually IS asleep.  Then you hop back into bed, look over at it, and say, "Y'know what? This fucker can sleep outside and look like a fuzzy, blood-shot vampire rabbit with tiny little hands."

Why do most Pokemon have tiny little hands? That's so fucking weird.  No arms, no elbows, not even a discernible wrist...just floaty little hands that seem to reach anywhere on its body.  Creepy fucks.

Well, that's it for now, lads.  I'm gonna be grinding for a bit, maybe even check out the Safari Zone, but   I have to work out how to find HM 03: Surf and the Gold Teeth.  Otherwise, you're just wasting your fucking time.

Oh, that's right...

I have to announce what Eevee is now.

The final votes were as such:

In favor of Flareon: 2

In favor of Vaporeon: 2

In favor of Jolteon: 5

The winner won by a fairly large amount, comparatively-speaking.  So, without further ado, I re-present to you all, my Eevee...

I get a vote too, assholes, and my vote counts a lot fucking more than yours does.  Don't like it? Go play your own fucking game.  Never said I would LISTEN to the votes and choose based on popular opinion.  I picked Jolteon last time over a decade ago and he bored the shit outta me.  This asshole gets Water, Ice, and Poison attacks.  And he had over 100 HP when I evolved him at level 25.

So fuck you, get your own damn Eevee and give him a haircut or some shit so he can turn into whatever the fuck-eon you want him to be.

I'm being very aggressive right now, but do please keep reading this blog...I don't exist without you...

Charizard, Lvl 40

Kadabra, Lvl 36

Pidgeotto, Lvl 34

Vaporeon, Lvl 28

Vileplume, Lvl 27

Nidoking, Lvl 26

Pokedex: 47, Badges: 4