Safari, Motherfucker. Sa-FAR-i! PFFFFFFFEUUUUUW!

Do you not know what the fuck the title's from? Stupid assholes, go watch "Death to Smoochy".  Why is this relevant.  I want a Rhyhorn.  I want a Rhyhorn so I can get a Rhydon.  I want Rhydon because he is the single nastiest cunt to go up against Blaine on Cinnabar Island imaginable.  The ideal team to destroy Blain is as follows, from my own Pokemon collection:

Gyarados
Onix
Geodude (must level to Graveler)
Vaporeon
Goldeen (must level to Seaking...fuck yeah)
Rhydon

So...the only place to get a Rhyhorn is in the Safari Zone, and the Safari Zone is a fucking crap-shoot pain in the ass if there ever was one.  You see a Pokemon you want, you gotta be like, "Hey, here's some food--FUCK YOU! Hit you in the head with a rock! I'm sorry, don't run away.  Here's some more food--FUCK YOU! MORE ROCKS! I'm sorry."

So all Rhyhorns of the Fuschia City Safari Zone...this message is for you:

Suffice it to say, shit is on.

But FUCK MY LIFE, if I didn't walk in there the first time with the computer set on an inbox already full of Pokemon.  Fucking wasted $500.  Alright, just gotta get those Gold Teeth and I'll consider this a victory.

Boom.  Gold Teeth.  HM 04: Strength.  Move the boulder.  Rare Candy.  You're welcome.

Switch the box.  Snorlax took up the fucking rest of it.

Run into a trainer in the grass right by the Cycling Road.  Why the fuck not? Embarrass his shit.  What?

Fuck yeah, Pidgeot! That sexy ass hair! You beat the two hardest gym leaders (in my opinion, if you picked Charmander) and you deserve that shit, bro.  You fly high, Pidgeot...fly high...for America...

By the end of the day, I did find HM 03: Surf and taught it to my Goldeen so I can ride on the back of Seaking like a fucking boss when it evolves.

I have a feeling that Seaking is going to be very disappointing.

I am going to sum up my experience in the Safari Zone by rating my 4 captured Pokemon and the 4 Pokemon that got away that cock-teased me the most.

Good Catch #4: Exeggcute

Not particularly exciting, but Exeggutor is pretty sick.  I'll keep him around for now.

Cock-tease #4: Krabby

I want Kingler! This asshole just would not stay in the balls! DO YOU NOT LIKE THE BALLS?!?

Good Catch #3: Slowpoke

He's a bit of a shit-head, but I like the concept of Water/Psychic, especially with Giovanni and the Viridian City Gym looming in the distance.

Cock-tease #3: Chansey

Fuck you, you bitch! You are soooooooo haaarrrrrrd to fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind! I just want you to say that I caught you! IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!?!?

Good Catch #2: Psyduck

Everyone hates this asshole, especially in the anime, but NOBODY hates Golduck.  Golduck badass.  Don't nobody say shit about Golduck.

Cock-tease #2: Dratini

Fucking re--seriously?!?!?! Come ON!!!! Dragonair is the sexiest fucking Pokemon in Generation 1, and Dragonite destroys everything he looks at! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME, YOU LITTLE SEA-DICK?!? I am not spending all my money to buy you from the Game Corner in Celadon.  Fuck that.  I'd probably get you at level 5 that way, and that's fucking unacceptable.

Good Catch #1: Rhyhorn

Gonna fuck you up, this guy! Look at him! He's fucking READY! He's like, "Fuckin' put me in! I don't give a shit! Lemme fight Misty again.  Fuck Misty.  Fuck water."  Badass.

Cock-tease #1: Scyther

I...there's no words.  No words.  I'm just fucking upset.  You would make my team complete, Scyther.  Please...just get in my balls.

I will take my sorrows out on Koga.  He will know my pain...

SCYTHER I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Charizard, Lvl 40

Kadabra, Lvl 37

Pidgeot, Lvl 36

Dugtrio, Lvl 35

Haunter, Lvl 30

Goldeen, Lvl 20

Pokedex: 52, Badges: 4