Oh Shit! A Second Road!

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Guess what?

NEXT BLOG IS ABOUT POKEMON SILVER! ARE YOU READY? FUCK YOU, I'M READY!

CLICK THE FUCKING LINK BELOW AND GET READY FOR A SHIT-STORM!

http://sequelinsilver.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-fucking-ordeal-for-this-shit.html

BOOM! SNAP INTO SILVER!

The End of the Road

Well, we're here at the end of Pokemon Red and our coverage of Generation-I.  A few things I wanted to address before I closed out this adventure.

Dragonair and Dragonite are too big of a time-committment, so Dratini did not get to evolve during the play-through.  However, since I intend on continuing play, he may very well get to evolve later.  I just don't find continued grinding of the Elite Four and other wild Pokemon havens to be very interesting topics to address in the blog, so I'm gonna skip over that.

Growlithe is going to stay Growlithe until he hits level 60 or so.  There's no need to rush the evolution, and I want to make sure that he learns all possible moves before turning into an Arcanine.  Besides, I don't have the money to buy the Fire Stone.

That means no Poliwrath for a while...

...no Cloyster...

...and no Exeggutor.  Eventually, though, once I get the time to level their pre-evolution forms and get them to learn more powerful moves...and the money...I'll get to them.

I DO have the Moon Stone to evolve Nidorina, but I want to make sure that she gets stronger attacks that come with later levels.  She ain't gonna be no damn Wigglytuff; even though I found ones over level 50 in the Unknown Dungeon, I wanna keep that level 5 piece of shit as a punishment for keeping me from Clefairy.

I do NOT need a Porygon, and it is WAY too expensive to be worth my time gambling at the Game Corner.  Besides, he looks dumb as shit.

Here are the things, however, that I'm going to be doing immediately, and should explain my party from the last post:

Ponyta will be trained until it reaches level 40 and becomes a Rapidash.  The fastest Pokemon in the game? Yeah, I want that.

But even before that...

Cubone is going to get the training he deserves.  My game is saved right outside of the Power Plant and he's going to lay the smack-down on some Voltorbs and Electabuzzes.  I think he could use the exercise, and I don't really intend on cross-game trading at all, but if there was one to go from this game to the next...it would be Cubone when he's all grown up and strong enough to cause some serious damage as my early anchor Pokemon.

But for all intents and purposes, below are the final stats and the final team of my Red Version play-through.

Thanks for stopping by, internet.

Mewtwo, Lvl 70

Articuno, Lvl 52

Charizard, Lvl 50

Vaporeon, Lvl 50

Parasect, Lvl 39

Cubone, Lvl 23

Pokedex: 102, Badges: 8

My Brain Fucking Hurts...

This was seriously frustrating as shit because every fucking Pokemon in the Unknown Dungeon I came across...I had to catch.  Had to.  No discussion.  They were all evolutions of Pokemon I already owned and I wanted some fucking validation for keeping them in the computer for so long.

My Ekans was level 6.  He was level 47.  I'm sorry, but fuck that baby-ass snake.  We're in the final hours and I want some rewards for my exploits.

Well, fuck the damn Safari Zone.  Why the hell would you bother catching a Rhyhorn when Rhydons are right in Cerulean City? Just beat the Elite Four and you can help yourself to as many as you want.

OH! OH! OH, YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! Don't even fucking BOTHER with the Safari Zone! If you want a Pinsir, a Scyther, a Tauros, or a Kangaskhan, use it.  Otherwise, fucking wait until Unknown Dungeon.  Speaking of Kangaskhan though...

First one I found in the Safari Zone during my "wrap-up".  I was like THROW THE BALL! Didn't work, but it didn't run.  So, I was like...fucking THROW THE BALL AGAIN! Boom! Two Pokemon in one.

Okay...real talk.

What the fuck happens to a Kangaskhan during the course of its life?

Follow me on this one.

Firstly, they have their babies in their pouches.  That is a defining feature of the breed, meaning they must give birth to little baby Kangaskhans to hop into their pouch later on, yes? This is a marsupial characteristic.

Well, all Pokemon breed and produce eggs, so there goes that theory...but this is where things get seriously fucked.

When you hatch a Kangaskhan egg, this is what happens:

Okay...WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Alright...now let's assume that the baby is just going to grow up and age naturally.  Does it have a much longer lifespan than its mother? Because the mother and the baby ARE THE SAME FUCKING AGE! They hatched at the EXACT SAME TIME! So you have some Kangaskhan that live for, say, 40 years, and some the live for 80? What the fuck is happening?

Continuing on that theory...

The baby grows up and starts looking like the mother.  Where is it going to get its own baby? Kangaskhan are pretty much solely defined as the "parent Pokemon" in all forms of the Pokedex, so where is it going to get its baby?

Option one: find a male Kangaskhan and breed with it.

NOPE! Kangaskhan are 100% female.  What the hell is gonna happen now? What is it gonna do, fuck Yanma?

NOBODY wants to fuck a Yanma! Yanma don't even want to fuck Yanma!

Option 2: Find some other random-ass Pokemon, fuck it, and get pregnant.

NOPE! Because Pokemon breed to produce eggs, and Kangaskhan are fucking BORN WITH THE BABY IN THE POUCH!

I can't...I can't do this.  My brain is too full of fuck.  Give me just one second...gotta write an open letter to Satoshi Tajiri.

Dear Satoshi Tajiri,

     Your imagination has astounded the world and has brought countless joy to millions of children and I would like to personally thank you for creating the Pokemon franchise.  I have started a blog in which I intend to go through one game from each generation of the franchise and chronicle my experiences.  I eagerly await what is in store for me beyond Generation-II, as that was the most recent generation I had played since my childhood, and I cannot possibly fathom what treats you might have planned for the sixth generation.  From experience, I can safely predict that the next 100 or so Pokemon will be entertaining and interesting; perhaps the first-ever Electric/Poison-type could emerge, or we might see Flying, Steel, Ghost, Poison, or even Dragon-type evolutions for Eevee.  Can't wait!

     However, you need to seriously get your shit together about Kangaskhan.  How can one of the original 151 completely avoid getting scrutinized and picked apart for its blatant flaws in both biology and logic over four fucking generations.  You could have fixed this shit in Johto, or Hoenn, or Sinnoh...but no.  We're all in Unova now, and Kangaskhan is still a clusterfuck.  Simple way to fix all this: make the baby its own Pokemon.  Call it Kanga or something and you can arrange the evolution based on what's in the party.  If there's an active Kangaskhan in the party, Kanga will level up and evolve into a Kangaskhan.  If there's not a Kangaskhan in the party, the thing doesn't evolve.  If there's a Kangaskhan in the party with Kanga but the Kangaskhan fainted, the Kanga evolves into Cubone and you lose your Kangaskhan.  It will make the game darker and you can fix this fucking debacle.

     Seriously, fucking fix this.

Sincerely,

Kevin Little

Now, where the fuck was I before Satoshi Tajiri broke my fucking brain?

I caught a Hypno.  I don't want to go into where he finds that fucking medallion or where Kadabra finds his spoon, because Pokemon that evolve and gain props is a Pandora's box that I dare not gaze into...

Nope.  Not gonna touch it.  Not with a 10-foot pole.  Nope.  Go away.

Okay, back to sanity.  Caught this guy because he's damn cool.  Also, not gonna lie...probably the most delicious Pokemon from Generation-I based solely on appearance.  Fuck you, I know you all thought about eating Pokemon, too.  There are steaks in that world, and I only see Tauros and Miltanks.  So shut up, judgin'-ass bastards.

Was actually a little upset about this one.  My Horsea was at level 28.  I caught this guy at level 25.  Horsea evolves at level 32.  What is in that fucking water? My brain hurts again...

...dumbass.

Also found one of these bad boys.  Can we just take a look at this photo for a moment? Two of the heads of Dodrio are clearly ready and engaged for battle, but that one on the right is like, "What the fuck is that over there? The fuck is that shit?"  Fucking multi-headed Pokemon.  I'm going to see a shit-ton more of those, so I'm fairly prepared to have my head hurt in future games.

But after all this, I experience the ultimate pay-off for Generation-I players...

You have been saving that Master Ball since Saffron City, and you only throw it when you ABSOLUTELY MUST CATCH THAT MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU RIGHT NOW! I forgot how fucking powerful this jerk-off was! Holy shit! His stats are all damn close to 200.  I'd like to see Ass-Bag try shit when I throw out a Mewtwo onto the battlefield.  He's so fucking badass HE GOT HIS OWN MOVIE AND BOSS BATTLE IN POKEMON STADIUM!

I now...he obeys my every word.

Mewtwo, Lvl 70

Articuno, Lvl 52

Charizard, Lvl 50

Vaporeon, Lvl 50

Parasect, Lvl 39

Cubone, Lvl 23

Pokedex: 102, Badges: 8

Who the Fuck is This Bitch?!?

Who the fuck is this bitch?! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH?!?! I'm heading to the Unknown Dungeon to catch the world's strongest Pokemon and you gonna chill the fuck out by the cave and challenge me with your two level 31 Parases and level 31 Parasect?!?

ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH?!?!?!?!?

I AM A MOTHERFUCKING CHAMPION! I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING CHAMPION!

Die.  Fucking destroy you.  I WILL DESTROY YOU!

And I did.  Now go run away, you dumb slut.

The Final Ass-Bag

It.  Is.  Time.

I took you out before you beat the Elite Four, I'm gonna take you out now, motherfucker.  I named you Ass-Bag for a reason, and I'm gonna show you what the fuck is up!

First Up: Pidgeot

I need Zapdos to Thunder him down.  This shit better hit.

AND NOPE! FUCKING NOPE! GREAT JOB!

Whirlwind?! HA! Fucking asshole!

Thunder hits! The last PP of it, and Pidgeot goes down! Great news.

Second Challenger: Alakazam

I don't have anything too strong against Psychic, so I'm gonna stick with Zapdos and Drill Peck.  God, I hope this works.

Psychic hits first.  Shit.  91/185 health.  And Drill Peck doesn't one-hit.  I may need to sacrifice Zapdos and use Thunder Wave.

Psybeam takes me down to 46/185, but Thunder Wave connects and paralyzes.  I get one more shot at him before shit gets real.

Drill Peck takes him out.  Cool beans.

Third Opponent: Rhydon

I need Articuno for this guy.  Hopefully, I hit first.  No chances.  Use Blizzard.

And it hits first! Rhydon goes fucking down!

What's next, fucker?

Fourth Foe: Arcanine

Alright...dude went to Celadon City and bought some stones.  Vaporeon, I'm banking pretty hard on you once again.  You can Surf this asshole out of this stadium!

He hits first with Leer.  Great going, Fag-Bag.  All the cards are on the table and you whip out Leer? This isn't a multi-turn fight.  This battle is strike first, strike hard, no mercy.  Cobra-Kai, bitch!

SO CLOSE TO A ONE-HIT! SO FUCKING CLOSE!

You tried Leer AGAIN?!?!?!??!?!?! AND IT FAILED?!? You deserve this.

Water Gun.  Fuck this shit-head.

Fifth Opponent: Exeggutor

He's weak against Flying, but he's also weak against Fire.  Zapdos, I need you to hold off for a while, I'm gonna give this one to Charizard.

You've been there since the beginning, and you ain't ready for Blastoise, so give me a good Fire Blast and we can call it a wrap.

Okay, more than half damage, but not close enough to a one-hit.  It's okay...just survive.

Stomp.  119/158.  Good, and no flinching.  One more Fire Blast and you're set.

AND YOU MISS?!?! Did you not hear my shit with Zapdos? Get it together, Charizard.

Stomp again.  81/158.  Survived still, but no risking inaccuracy.  Hit him Flamethrower.

Good! He's down.  Only one more to go, and it's the fucking Hammer.

Champion of Indigo Plateau: Blastoise, the Fucking Hammer

I know you're weak, but you're also fast.  Zapdos, send him as close to hell as you can.  This ain't no Nuzlocke run.  Go for it.

Start with Thunder Wave.  Be a team player.

Good.  Paralyzed.

It knows Blizzard?!? Shit...

Well, there goes Zapdos.

Alakazam.  Hit him hard and pray for the best.

Psychic attack.  Blastoise down to quarter health.

FULLY PARALYZED! NOW YOU GET THE ASS-RAPE!

Psychic again! BLASTOISE IS DOWN--!

...holy shit.

...HOLY SHIT, I FUCKING DID IT!

Shout out to Jon Jafari, aka JonTron for this clip from his game review of Aquaman: Battle for Atlantis.  Wanna check it out? Check the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nohsA4R_1HU&list=UUdJdEguB1F1CiYe7OEi3SBg&index=19&feature=plcp

Also, check out Game Grumps on YouTube.  They are the inspiration behind this blog, so show them the due respect.

Hey, Professor Oak! What the fuck are you doing here? Here to enter me into the Pokemon League Hall of Fame? Yeah, that's pretty legit.  You go ahead and you do that.

These Pokemon down here are fucking FAMOUS NOW! And Moltres didn't do shit!

Zapdos, Lvl 57

Articuno, Lvl 52

Alakazam, Lvl 51

Charizard, Lvl 50

Moltres, Lvl 50

Vaporeon, Lvl 50

Pokedex: 92, Badges: 8

DRAGONBORN!

Lance, the Elite Fourth

I'm here! I'm actually here! Okay, get your shit together.  You're banking on Articuno hard for this fight, and if not, you have to rely on Vaporeon.  I'm not in a strong position, but it's too late to go back now!

First Up: Gyarados

Shit! I just remembered! I have to lead off with Zapdos and bank on Thunder connecting!

Zapdos, don't you fucking DARE fuck me here!

YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!!!!!! You can't miss when this much is on the line!

Dragon Rage? Okay, only 40 damage from 181.  Good.  Try again.

BOOM! There it is! One-hit K.O.! Articuno, get your fucking ass out there and freeze these bitches up!

Second Opponent: Dragonair

Okay, remember how I said Ninetails is the sexiest Pokemon alive? I may have misspoke.

Ice Beam! One-hit K.O.! That's why you're a LEGENDARY bird!

Middle Guy: Dragonair

Okay, this shit has to fucking stop.  I know you have a Dragonite, too.  Is this like a thing? All the really strong trainers have three of the same fucking Pokemon and they have to evolve at least one of them? This is such fucking shenanigans.  It's even the same goddamn level as the last one!

Ice Beam again, Articuno! One-shot K.O.! I feel like a fucking monster! Hubris...rising...

Fourth Foe: Aerodactyl

Wait.  This Pokemon is extinct.  How the fuck did you get this guy? Did you break into the museum in Pewter Town? THIEF!

Ice Beam again! Risky, but gotta save Blizzard for when the chips are down.

He hits me with Supersonic?! Oh FUCK! This could be terrible.

Ice Beam connects! Aerodactyl goes down! Hells yeah, motherfucker!

Lance's Champion: Dragonite

He looks cute, but he will fuck me righteously if he hits me with Hyper Beam.  Articuno...FOCUS!

CONFUSED NO MORE! BLIZZARD! SUCK A CUNT, DRAGONITE! YOU ARE DOOOOOOOWN! D-O-W-N DOWN!

Elite Four? Elite WHORE is more like it!

Does that make sense? No? Fuck your mother.  I have to go wreck Ass-Bag.

Zapdos, Lvl 56

Articuno, Lvl 52

Alakazam, Lvl 51

Charizard, Lvl 50

Moltres, Lvl 50

Vaporeon, Lvl 50

Pokedex: 92, Badges: 8

I Have Reached the Half-Way Point!

So close, yet sooooo far still!

The Elite Third: Agatha...this old bitch

Okay.  Poison-types versus Alakazam.  I shouldn't have an issue.

First up: Gengar

This fucker makes me nervous as hell, but mine bit the bullet in Saffron City thanks to Sabrina's Alakazam.  Use your knowledge and experience, Fuck, I!

No chances! Psychic attack!

Damn...not a one-shot.

YOU USED DREAM EATER?!?! I AM AWAKE, YOU SENILE OLD TWAT!

Confusion.  Take him down.  Boom! Good.  Next?

Second Opponent: Golbat

I fucking hate Golbat.  You are not Crobat, and in Generation-I, you never will be!

Alakazam, Psychic attack!

THERE'S the one-hit I was looking for! Booyah! Next!

Middle Guy: Haunter

Why do you have two Gengars and one Haunter? That seems fucking stupid.

Psychic again.  One-hit K.O.  I'm feeling confident...but not hubric.  Is hubric a word? The adjective form of hubris, the ancient Greek concept of tragedy-inducing pride.

Fuck you, I'm allowed to be smart!

Fourt Foe: Arbok

Cobra spelled backwards, but incorrectly.  Say, Agatha, were you the former Fuschia City gym leader? You have a lot of the qualifications: all Poison-types, strong leadership, three of the same fucking Pokemon.

Psychic again.  And THERE'S the biggest one-shot K.O. of Alakazam's life! Good for you! Love the mustache.

Final Opponent: Gengar

At one point, this bitch owned 3 Haunters.  That's fucking stupid.  Also, she had to trade with someone twice to make those Gengars.

"Hey, thanks for trading and trading-back my Haunter.  Let's do it again."

"You want two Gengars?"

"I fucking NEED two Gengars!!!"

Psychic attack.  Not a one hit, but let's hope he uses Dream Eater.

Night Shade.  Fuck, that hurt.  77/137 health now.

Psybeam.  Switch it up, Alakazam.  And Gengar is done!

Let's hope Articuno can kick the shit outta Lance.

Zapdos, Lvl 56

Articuno, Lvl 51

Alakazam, Lvl 51

Charizard, Lvl 50

Moltres, Lvl 50

Vaporeon, Lvl 50

Pokedex: 92, Badges: 8