Mount Moon: Part Un...o

I forgot how much of a bitch Mt. Moon actually is.  Fucking Zubats everywhere, ladders leading to pits and other ladders, and Team Rocket showing up to mess with your shit.  On top of all that, we get the fucking "Super Nerds" in there with their techno-Pokemon causing a ruckus.  I don't know about you, but I get really fucking paranoid when someone throws out a Voltorb.

I don't trust this shifty little cunt.  All he uses is Screech (which lowers your Defense sharply) and Self-Destruct, which means he's making damn sure he take you down with him.  Fuck you in the nut-sack, Voltorb.

I've decided, however, that Mt. Moon is too much to handle on a single go.  Run around for a bit, level some folks, fight some trainers, maybe catch what might be the most effeminate Pokemon ever created...

Don't judge me, I caught him at Level 12 and he broke two fucking Pokeballs when he was goddamned paralyzed.  This little guy is one tough cunt.  He will cut you to ribbons, son!

However, one thing occurred in those tunnels that I did not expect.  A most wonderfully happy accident: a Rare Candy was found! Gave that shit straight to Magikarp...although, now that I think about it, I probably should have saved it until he was at Level 14 so I can go straight to him getting Tackle and being able to fight on his own.  Well...shit.  There goes a perfectly-good Rare Candy.  But hey, Charmander don't need no damn Rare Candy! He's doing baller on his own.

As a matter of fact, I don't have Charmander anymore...

YEEAAAAAAAH! I got THIS nasty fuck now! You remember how much of a prick he was in the anime? Ash would be all like, "Charmeleon, use Flame-whatever!" and Charmeleon would be all like, "Make yo own fire, pussy!" and then go the fuck to sleep.  This gangster is the fuckin' boss...just not quite as boss as Big Poppa Charizard.  If my estimations are correct, he should evolve around the time I get to Lt. Surge.  Let's see that bitch-ass Squirtle kick his ass now!

Charmeleon, Lvl 17

Pidgey, Lvl 12

Beedrill, Lvl 11

Nidoran, Lvl 11

Pikachu, Lvl 11

Butterfree, Lvl 11

Such a Fucking Ordeal

Fucking Christ, I hate Kakunas.  It's literally a battle to the very last PP of Metapod's Tackle attack because Kakuna fucking forget everything that he knew when he was a Weedle! Thanks, random bug-catcher who lives in a cave, for making that the most awkward battle on the face of the earth.  If that battle was in the anime, it would have made children cry.  But for all that, there was a reward...

FUCKING FINALLY! BUTTERFREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Charmander, Lvl 13

Pidgey, Lvl 12

Beedrill, Lvl 10

Nidoran, Lvl 10

Pikachu, Lvl 10

Butterfree, Lvl 10

Kill a Baby for a Gyarados

Do you guys remember the dude in the Pokemon Center right outside the entrance to Mount Moon that wants to sell you a Magikarp for $500? Yeah, I know, Magikarp is the worst fucking thing in the world and takes forever to level him, but I mean come on! How can I NOT want a Gyarados as soon as possible? Fucking look at this b.a.m.f.!

I'd kill a fucking baby to get a Gyarados! So...that means I gotta deal with this lazy shit first:

Fuckin'...hooray, I guess? I don't know, shut up!

Also, just so we're all very clear, Jigglypuff is a fucking cunt-wagon.  Don't fucking sing at my Pokemon and make them go to sleep just so you can butt-fuck them with Pound.  That's a dick-ass move, Jigglypuff.  You're a sack of shit.

So, I'm just trying to level my Metapod outside of the mountain, but Spearows are fucking everywhere, so I have to do the whole bait-and-switch with Pikachu in order to safely fuck them up.  Metapod's at Level 9 now and he still hasn't learned Harden...which is weird, because Beedrill never learned Harden either.  Why the fuck won't they learn it?! They need that shit for later!

Do what you're supposed to do, fuck-face!

I'm sorry...I didn't mean that.  Just become a Butterfree already, please?

Charmander, Lvl 13

Pidgey, Lvl 12

Beedrill, Lvl 10

Nidoran, Lvl 10

Pikachu, Lvl 10

Metapod, Lvl 9

Pokedex: 10, Badges: 1

Fuck You, Squinty!

Oh shit! Do you see this shit? Do you see it?!

Boom! Beedrill.  Suck it, sluts! Ain't nowhere to go now but Pain Town! Alright, I think I've got the goods now to take out this cocky, squinty-eyed fucker.

And that wasn't an anti-Asian racist thing...dude just has squinty-ass eyes.  Alright, here's the first ever Gym Leader Play-By-Play!

Pewter City Gym: Brock, the Rock-Type Dude

First up: Lazy-Ass Geodude

I call him Lazy-Ass Geodude because fucker only really ever used Defense Curl.  So I'm like, "Okay, time to level Pikachu."  The second I sent him out, though, this fucker used Tackle and wipe Pikachu the fuck out.  So, I sent out Pidgey to sort of take the heat off my other guys, but Geodude kept using Defense Curl, even though shit wasn't doing anything anymore.

Then I had a thought...

Pro-Tip: Don't count out attacks that don't do damage.  They can be useful in certain situations.

I just hit this fucker with Sand Attack over and over again until he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn, then motherfucking Charmander came out to pimp-slap this rock around 'til he fucking died.  Boom.

Final Opponent: Wait-For-It Onix

Sent Pidgey back out to Sand-Attack this asshole and start the cycle anew, but this guy uses Bide.  I forgot what that shit did until I saw it.  Basically, Onix waits, doesn't attack, let's you hit him for a few turns, then does double that damage against you like three turns later.

But can't do any damage if I just do Sand Attack, can you.  OHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So much sand in his eyes, can't do shit, sent out Caterpie to milk some experience, then took out Charmander to seal the deal with some fuck-you-up Ember attacks, which actually causes burns.  Did you know that? I didn't.  Nothing ever fucking stayed burned, though, since Brock carries a bunch of Full Heals.  I call bullshit.

Fuck him.  Onix died.  Boulderbadge.  Metapod.

Now, you're all caught up.  To get everyone fully up to speed, this is what the current party looks like:

Charmander, Lvl 13
Pidgey, Lvl 12
Beedrill, Lvl 10
Nidoran, Lvl 10
Pikachu, Lvl 9
Metapod, Lvl 7

Pokedex: 9, Badges: 1

It's off to Mount Moooooooooooooooooooooooon!

Grinding Grinding Grinding

I had to get my Pokemon up to a level where I could even remotely stand a chance against Brock, so every trainer knows to run into the grass and walk in circles until your Pokemon level.  The first one to pop their evolution cherry was my Weedle.  So now, he's the better-than-useless-wild Kakuna.

Kakuna looks stupid, so I ran back into the Viridian Forest after healing at the Pewter City Pokemon Center, but what is the first fucking thing I come across when I run into the tall grass?

Well fuck my dick! I completely forgot these sexy sons of bitches lived in the Viridian Forest! You best grab one of these motherfuckers; you control their evolution with the Thunderstone, and they're gonna be your best fucking friend when Misty brings out her fucking starfish.  Shock that bitch out of the water.

Tried to grind Kakuna again, but then THIS fucking showed up:

Damn it! I need him because I want a fucking Butterfree! All those powder attacks are really useful, but also, if you didn't cry during the episode where Ash let his Butterfree go so it could start a family with that girl Butterfree, you have a stone heart, you cold bitch.

...goddamn it, that episode was fucking sad and cute and devastating.  Don't remember it? Well, fuck you, here it is.  Prepare to bawl, bitches.

You're welcome.  Now clean yourselves up, we gotta go fight Brock.

Covered in Goddamn Bees

Your first run-in with trainers other than yourself is in the Viridian Forest, and EVERYONE has a fucking Weedle and the WILL poison your shit.  My first Pro-Tip of this entry:

Grab a fucking Weedle.

Yeah, asshole! I fucking got you now! You poison shit on MY command! Oh, here's the second Pro-Tip:

Do NOT waste Pokeballs trying to catch a fucking Kakuna or a Metapod.  Both are fucking awful.  All they do is Harden.  If you evolve up from a Weedle or a Caterpie, you get to keep Tackle/Poison Sting and String Shot, and then your rock-hard middle-evolution Pokemon can actually do something.

So, by then end of fucking up those pussies in the Viridian Forest, I got myself a Pidgey, a Nidoran, a Weedle, and my pimp-ass Charmander.  Not enough to take on Brock, though.  Let's work on that.

Viridian City Natives

Okay, pop quiz, hot-shots! There are only 2 good Pokemon around Viridian City, but there's 3 different  Pokemon around there.  Which one is goddamn useless?

It sure as shit ain't Pidgey.  Three evolutionary stages, can learn Fly, and is strong against all those poisonous fuckers in Viridian Forest? Yeah, I nabbed that sonuvabitch right quick.

Nidoran?! There are Nidoran around Viridian City?!? How the fuck did I not know about this?! Umm...try going left towards the Indigo Plateau; there's a little patch of tall grass that is full of these fuckers.  I love him, he's one of the four Moonstone-evolving Pokemon, and he's a Poison-type, which is helpful when fighting Weedles (who are fucking assholes and they make Viridian Forest a pain in the dick).  Grab one!

The answer?

Rattata is fucking worthless.  Brock's Onix would RAPE this little piece of shit.  Leave him in the fucking woods.  That's my fucking Pro-Tip.

OOOHH! I'm gonna give Pro-Tips! Look for them in the future!

Bulbasaur is for Pussies

Alright, right off the bat, you have to deal with Professor Oak talking about Pokemon and shit at Medium Text Speed (because you can't adjust the text speed until you name yourself and your rival), so that's fucking irritating.

So, the first thing you get to do is name this sexy bitch:

In the canon, this character is called Red.  In the manga/anime, he's Ash Ketchum.  In my game, in honor of the Game-Grumps JonTron and Egoraptor, he will be known by the following name:

Fuck, I

Why, you ask, would I name him that? Think of the in-game messages.  "Fuck, I threw a Pokeball!" "Fuck, I caught Pidgey!" "Fuck, I defeated Bug Catcher!" Hysterical.

Then, there's this cunt:

This fucking cunt always picks the Pokemon strongest against yours, makes fun of your shit, and is a total fuck-ass.  However, his loving grandfather, Professor Oak, forgot his fucking name, so you get to call him any name you want...

...so he became Ass-Bag.

Yes, it's crude, but you know what? HE is fucking crude.  His existence offends me.  So fuck him.

Now, the most important fucking decision in the entire game: what is your starting Pokemon? You get three choices, and they are Charmander, Squirtle, and Bulbasaur.  Now, according to what kind of challenge you want from the game, you pick from the above, hardest to easiest.  Now, everyone's entitled to their own preferred difficulty, but there's only one right answer to this question...

Goddamn right.  Anyone who picks Bulbasaur is a fucking pussy.  So what if you don't get an advantage until Erika in Celadon City? You afraid of a challenge? Fuck you, slut.  Pick the lizard.

But yeah...fucking Squirtle kicked my ass, so that fucking blows.  You win the first fight and you automatically pop up to Level 6, which is goddamn helpful.  Now, gotta hit the road with a Level 5 Charmander with self-confidence issues and try to build a team to slow Brock down from fucking me up.  Here we go!

Here we GO, bitches!

Guess what the fuck I just found?

Yeah, you know it! The motherfucking original! Red was always much more hardcore than Blue Version.  Seriously, even the canon wants you to acknowledge that Ash Ketchum's video game equivalent is the trainer called Red.

I'll be giving you all a play-by-play as I journey through the Kanto region and try to catch'em all!

Well, not all of them...because that's fucking ridiculous.

Here we go, bitches!